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Хочу что-то написать, чтоб отметить начало моего нового цифрового дневничка. Очень долго меня держал инстаграм. Во-первых, не хотелось терять столько лет ведения блога, хоть это и не что-то, что я делала очень активно. Во-вторых, хотелось поддерживать контакт и следить за некоторыми друзьями, их жизнью и проектами. Для себя эту дилемму я разрешила так: - перенесла всё из инстаграма сюда в блог - есть возможность добавлять новые посты, с фото и без, тем самым продолжая блог (меньше давления) - удалила всё из инстаграма и оставила финальный пост, чтоб мне было неловко постить опять ради социальных поглаживаний лайками - оставила в подписках только людей, с которыми знакома и поддерживаю/хочу поддерживать контакт - удалила приложение и теперь буду проверять инстаграм только по https://www.instagram.com/?variant=following ссылке в браузере, которая ведёт прямо к постам аккаунтов, на которые я сама подписалась (нет рекомендуемого контента) Почему так, а не просто удалиться? Я понимаю, что в соц сетях есть позитивные аспекты, особенно когда ты иммигрант (даже если ты иммигрант уже дольше десяти лет). Некоторые мои друзья делают свои проекты (арт, технологии), за которыми мне интересно следить и хочется поддержать. Но в то же время соцсети сейчас построены так, чтоб цеплять тебя на пассивный скроллинг, что ведёт к негативным последствиям для психики. Мне надоело смотреть негативный контент, позитивный контент с негативными комментариями, триггерный контент. Я хочу смотреть и читать только тех, кого я выбрала сама, а не алгоритм. Всем (моим воображаемым друзьям) спасибо за внимание!

Still can’t believe Scotland happened 💔🥺😭

Scotland road trip

Adios Marcelo

Well, fuck, 2025 was a rollercoaster – some of the best and worst moments of my life. I knew combining family, motherhood, work, self-care, hobbies, and social life would require effort and right prioritisation, but I had no idea how difficult it would be to get it right. Every time I felt I finally figured it out, it would all fall apart, and I would have a mental breakdown. By the end of the year, I was sick, in constant pain, exhausted, angry, and frustrated. Maybe it was a much-needed sign that my priorities were wrong… again. Scrapping everything and starting 2026 with one resolution — to make it through alive and sane. Enough whining though, it has also been the best year in so many moments. Sam has been the absolute joy and the source of infinite love. He’s becoming such a toddler – pure fun, force, and strong character. He’s always happy, loves to share, and is never afraid of anything. I love to see the world through his eyes. It’s in every moment from him being crazy about a-pu (sapo 🐸) to becoming obsessed with going down the slides. It’s about witnessing him learn new things, copying something after us, and seeing yourself in this little human. Also, my support system may not be the biggest, but they’re incredible. You’re reading this message just because they were there for me through all my crying and stayed by my side helping, listening, supporting, and encouraging me. I look back at pictures from the beginning of the year and I can’t believe so much happened, it feels like January 2025 was at least three years ago. Hoping for a calmer 2026 but still full of joy and love ❤️

i’ve spent the past few months (if not years) actively working on becoming “more better” mentally, energy-wise and health-wise. so, how do i feel better? should i use more productivity tools, more wellbeing tools, “hack” my sleep or diet, meditate, do cardio, move mindfully, socialise, isolate? thousands of people who “figured it out” talk about ten things that improved their lives and solved all their problems, all backed by metrics and exact daily schedules. who wouldn’t love to be that perfect human who wakes up at 5:30, checks their sleep recovery score on a health app, exercises, meditates, and has the healthiest colourful breakfast — all by 7am. then they could have a few successful deep focus work sessions thanks to a pomodoro-like method, followed by focused family time (yes, even that). some self-improvement afterward — maybe meal prep, maybe monthly planning, stretching or yoga? i caught myself desperately trying to become the best version of myself and feel the best possible, because there must be that perfect ratio of work and rest, perfect diet, perfect workout schedule, right? and then i stopped and realised that the wellbeing culture, which was supposed to save me from hustle culture, just gave me more reasons to feel like i’m failing. breathe in, breathe out. i’m just an oddly shaped human with back problems, tummy ache, and a tendency to overshare, floating in space on a tiny rock. is it really this serious? as kurt vonnegut said, “we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you any different.” maybe i don’t need to be good. maybe i need to just be. angry, messed up, hungry, have bad days, with a ruined sleep schedule, order takeaway all week. but this also makes me a passionate human. only when i gave up on even trying to do well i realised that i’m sad not because i don’t do pilates and haven’t had a proper homemade meal in weeks. i’m sad because i don’t do what i want with my life (let’s leave it for another oversharing post). so no, i haven’t figured it out. i don’t have a perfect schedule nor a recipe for success. i’m just farting around and calling it a life now.

trying to be more mindful of my internet usage. with an app for everything, algorithms invading every platform, news sites churning out clickbait, and exploitative gig platforms dressed up as “freedom,” it feels like there’s more bad than good online these days. kind of ironic that i’m writing this here of all places — but maybe it also makes sense? i’m not just mindlessly scrolling, i’m trying to do something. since cutting out the “cheap dopamine,” i’ve realised how starved i am for mindful interaction with the world. taking thoughtful photos. being intentional on social media. replacing junk news with writing that’s actually well-curated and worth reading. maybe it’s just me. i go for a walk and come back with five photos of something that doesn’t really matter. but if you didn’t take a picture, did it even happen? what happened to just describing things instead of pulling out your phone for a quickly snapped, useless photo? i watch a few reels someone sent me “just for a couple of minutes,” and end up stuck in reels perfectly curated for me by an algorithm. i check reddit for one thing and end up deep in a controversial thread from a subreddit i don’t even follow. it’s uncomfortable for me to admit, but facing it is the first step. at least now i can start doing something about it.

mood lately in: earl grey tea ysl black opium over red shorts with big pockets greyscale phone screen stepping out walks without destination audiobooks personal diary more reading mindful movement new music being “good enough” doing less letting things stay undone out: chocolate snacks instagram app on my phone pressure to bounce back doomscrolling rushing guilt pretending to be fine all the time pushing through when i need rest feeling more like myself

it’s been half a year now. it’s been a wild ride and i expect it to get even crazier and more exciting. i witnessed how this little guy turned from a blind potato who only slept or cried into a human with personality, habits, likes and dislikes. and i loved every minute of this transformation. but i’m still wondering — who has changed more, sam or i? there are things i miss already: little leg shakes when his nervous system was at its earliest stage, alien-like movements, first screeching laughs, and everything related to breastfeeding (why is no one talking about how fun this is???) every day i ask myself — what is it about today’s version of sam i’m going to miss in a few months? is it how he tried to interact with dogs? the way he vigorously shakes rattles? maybe today was the last time he got that excited playing peekaboo? or maybe seeing himself in the mirror won’t get him this psyched again? i want to remember everything. as i said in one of my previous posts — the first three years are for the parents. and i will greedily keep every little moment for myself. photos, as always, by @dagfryd who became our family’s photo chronicler.

Tiny human, Big feelings 🩵 I’ve talked about ups and downs of motherhood, but there’s one thing that just hits different. There are moments everyone talks about — when your baby does something new or looks at the world with wonder. Those are special, no doubt. What surprised me the most, though, is what I’ve come to love more than anything else. The way Sam looks at me and smiles. It’s the kind of smile that makes everything else fade away. On a tough night, that one look can wipe away the exhaustion. He’s this tiny little guy who doesn’t even have full control over his body yet, but he puts all his trust in me. I know it’s not just about me, but this bond we have is something really special. He’s counting on me, and I’ll always show up for him, no question. The way his face lights up when he wakes up, when we play, when I read or sing to him, when I kiss his soft little cheeks — it’s the best part of my day. Every time.

My next edition of monthly photos and thoughts about motherhood. I recently heard that the first three years of a child’s life are only for us, the parents. Children don’t remember this time anyway. But this thought really stuck with me. Some might think, ‘It doesn’t matter what I do, he won’t remember anything.’ But I prefer to see it differently. These three years are for me to enjoy watching Sam grow, learn about this world, see his face light up when he discovers something new. To feel a kind of unconditional love I’ve never experienced before. Yes, he won’t remember how I held him in my arms, sang lullabies, or tickled him just to hear him laugh. He won’t recall waking up next to me, sharing warm smiles, or feeling safe and loved. He won’t remember how we played together. But on a deeper level, I hope he will remember something else. The feeling of safety, the certainty that he is not alone, that he is loved. I hope he will remember the warmth of my hug, the peace he felt by my side. And one day, as an adult, I hope he will face the world with trust, confidence, and a deep sense that he is loved and accepted ❤️‍🩹🩵 Last photo is Sam losing control 🥁badumtss

The oldest note on my phone is a principle I’ve lived by for years. I stumbled upon this comment on 4 December 2017 and just knew I had to save it. Somehow, it resonated with me more than anything similar I had read before or since. Here it is: “I’m a psychiatrist. I see many people who’ve spent their careers forgoing sleep, family, and life so they could work harder. They have sacrificed health and happiness. They’ve never learned to enjoy what is before them. They have insisted on working harder than others in order to build a better life, but they have given up the very things that make life meaningful. When the whistle blows, go home. By all that’s beautiful and worthwhile, just go home. Death can come for you at any time. And no sane man, in his last hours, looks back and regrets not spending more time at the office.” I never considered myself very ambitious or hard-working, and I never felt the urge to stay late or do something extra outside working hours. For the most part, I was fine with that, but occasionally, I’d look around and wonder if I was doing something wrong. And, honestly, I still do sometimes. I’ve worked in different environments, and in some, staying late was so normalised that leaving on time made me feel like I wasn’t as committed as everyone else. It made me question whether I was lazy or just not good enough. Over time I realised that being dedicated and ambitious doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your personal life. You can do your best within working hours and if you want to go extra mile, it should be because you genuinely want to, not because it’s expected. So, go home 🫶🏻

Felt sad, might overanalyze and delete later. I touched on this in a previous post, but it’s been on my mind a lot, so I wanted to share. I’m noticing how friendships change after having a baby. I knew this could happen, but I didn’t expect it to happen so fast or to hurt this much. I get that I’m less available, less flexible. But I still try to make time for my friends, some of whom don’t seem to want to do the same for me anymore. Sounds bitter, I know. And it is. Some don’t show any interest in me as a mother or in Sam. I get that not everyone is into babies or the whole motherhood experience, but how is asking about this any different from asking about my husband, dogs, job, or the latest show I’m obsessed with? It’s a big part of my life now, but also, I swear I’m still the same person. I don’t get why kids are where people draw the line. They’ll take interest in the most random parts of my life, but the moment I mention Sam, they disappear. I know friendships change at different stages of life. I’ve been through this before when I switched universities, when I moved to new countries. Sometimes you just grow apart with people. But having a baby feels like the ultimate friendship stress test. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it, ha.

I feel like sharing more about my experience as a mother, so here we go. It’s been difficult being a mother and absolutely amazing to have a baby. Besides well-known struggles like sleepless nights, postpartum recovery, etc., there are things like sensory overload (crying, constant touching). Feeling like your body is not yours anymore — shape, strength, breastfeeding, scars. Isolation hits hard. Some days, it feels like the world has moved on without me. I know people might have distanced themselves for other reasons. But in my vulnerable mind, it feels like it’s because I have a baby now. In the midst of it all I found the opportunity to rediscover myself. To decide what kind of person and mother I want to be. To decide what I want to show my kid. That means prioritizing myself whenever possible, finding joy every day, and creating opportunities to have fun instead of waiting for something to happen. Also, some of my friends have gone above and beyond to make me feel loved and to empathize with me, cutting out some time in their day to talk, catch up, and just be by my side through it all. I’ll be forever grateful to have these people in my life. I cherish them more than words can say ❤️ Thanks to them, I can fully experience the joy that comes with having a baby. People say there’s a special kind of love and bond, and it’s true. It’s unconditional, it makes you happy, and you celebrate their achievements (for now, it’s grabbing things, grabbing feet, rolling around) as if they were your own, or even more. Every cry is soul-wrenching, and every smile and laugh is a victory. Motherhood can be exhausting, overwhelming, beautiful and magical — all at the same time. But even on the hardest days I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My camera roll is taken over by Sam, but I still managed to get enough January photos to make this photodump. I’ve been trying to go out more, take Tiago on dates, take myself on dates, treat myself to cute things like that froggo mug from @mil.graus.ceramic and to a regular watch (apple watch who?). Also my baby is pretty damn cool 🤘😎 and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

This year has been all about the journey of pregnancy and motherhood. Everything else fades in comparison to this life-changing experience. I’ve learned so much about myself — moments of strength, moments of weakness, feeling overwhelmed, feeling joy — it’s been a whirlwind. I’m still figuring out how to navigate this new chapter of life. The last picture is me after one of many crying sessions, so it’s not all butterflies (mostly butterflies, though). And the one before last is me falling asleep mid-nose-picking, you saw it right, so yeah, tiredness and sleep deprivation are real 😃 Some other highlights of the year include trips to Cyprus, Spain, and Poland, a visit from my bestie from Canada ❤️, sorting out my work situation, sticking to my gym routine almost until the end of pregnancy, and, of course, many good people around me who are dear to my heart ❤️‍🩹. There are some good photos in the middle (I can’t count, sorry), shot on film by @dagfryd. They are probably the last photos I have of myself pregnant. Thank you for capturing this beautiful moment 💛.

Little Sam has officially joined our family for the cuddles, adventures and sleepless nights 🩵 28.10

11 years together 🩷 photo by @dagfryd

Went to Poland right before I wouldn’t be allowed to go onboard anymore. Lived. Bonus last pic of me just trying to survive a few more weeks.

Went for a romantic pregnancy photoshoot, got minor chaos and a million laughs. This guy still makes me smile 💛💚💙 Photos by @dagfryd who magically makes anyone comfortable in front of the camera 📸